Hamptons, schmamptons ...

The Hamptons reminds me of the popular kids at school. Rich, beautiful, immaculate. They trim their hedges better than Bella Brazil does Tribeca bush. (NY ladies, trust me on this: 212 240 9434 ask for Carla and prepare to be violated). Montauk, not so much. It’s like all the dorks, freaks, outsiders, loners and stoners got together and decided that they too deserve some beach. Why should the rich and gorgeous get all the perks? And thus, there’s Montauk. Flabby bum capital of Long Island. And that’s just fine with me. As a barely-5-foot Jewish woman I doubt I’d make the cut in The Hamptons. I’d drown in a sea of 6-foot blondes. I’d fumble the hand movement when high five-ing P.Diddy. My designer label would say “Target”. Plus, as far as I’m aware, my husband isn’t wanted for fraud, money laundering and or embezzlement.

And so Montauk it was for me, my husband and our 2 daughters. Hubby taught my eldest daughter to surf. She got up, standing, first time. Hello, that’s STANDING FIRST TIME. We lounged, drank cocktails, ate seafood and frolicked in the sea. A fabulous time was had by all. And we’ll go back next year. Along the way I’ll roll down our windows, stick out my bum and give the popular kids a big, stretch-mark ridden, wobbly, pale, full moon.

Where to stay: We stayed at http://www.soleeast.com/. The food, pool, drinks - like awesome dude. Do not expect great service, one cannot rush a surfer. Be prepared to have to ask for more shampoo.

Hidden yum: http://thehideawaymontauk.com/Home.html